For one week I wondered about what was going on inside my body. There was an embryo in there, that we knew for sure. We stared at the picture and wondered if it was going to implant and started talking about the what ifs. I tried my best not to stress about anything.
Thursday after transfer I went for blood work to check my progesterone level. They told me that it was okay not to hear anything from the after the work was done because “no news is good news.” Well, they must not know me very well yet because that ideology just doesn’t work for me. I watched my phone for the entire day. I was never too far from my phone, even at work. Every single time it even tinged I would jump. (LOL AT THE NO STRESS RULE!)
Finally the day ended and I just kept telling Aaron, “They didn’t call..” “BABE! They didn’t call!” It was a truly amazing feeling. Still… just because I am a lunatic, I had to call them the next day. I actually didn’t call for my results, I called because I had some questions. I didn’t even ASK about my results, the lady just told me. My levels were looking great. All was well.
Sigh… what a relief.
So for the next few days we carried on like “normal.”
Tuesday was the day for blood work to check for pregnancy. They like to do this little thing, and torture you. They make you wait for a phone call to give the results. Can you believe it? Once again I waited by my phone all day long. I carried it every where I went at work. Finally at 3:03, I missed the phone call while trying to dismiss my students.
Seriously? The best part was the voicemail saying to “just give us a call back when you can!”
I took care of everything I needed to do before leaving and I walked to my car. I sat on hold for a little bit and finally a real live person was there talking to me. I told her why I was calling and she said just a minute…
“Monica, I’m sorry to say that unfortunately your blood test came back negative for pregnancy.”
I took a deep breath and said “What happens now? Where do we go from here?”
“Call with your next period and we can start another cycle.”
I thanked her and hung up. I put the car in drive and drove home. Knowing that my husband was anxiously waiting to hear. I pulled in the drive way and took another deep breath. I walked into the house and was greeted by such love and happiness that it took all of my might to tell my husband that it didn’t work. It failed.
It was when he held me and told me “It’s okay. We’ll be okay, as long as you’re okay..” I lost it. I cried and cried and cried. It was a sadness that I hadn’t quite known yet. We had been working so hard. Did I do something wrong? Did I stress too much or do too much? I had put my body through hell. I was so sure. I was so incredibly naive. I knew before the blood work even came back. Looking back, I knew. I couldn’t be sure… but I knew.
So after a night of self pity and beating myself up, I went to be around 8 and slept straight through the night. I woke up the next day with new outlook. Well, it’s the same outlook I’ve tried to have this entire journey…
It’s all in God’s timing.
“Ding ding…round two…”